Dear Journal

I found that I really do need money to be happy

3 min readMay 9, 2024

I was a few years older than 4 when I learned it was bad to receive or ask something of people. They will collect whatever they give back, but not exactly what was given to you in the first place.

I was a few years older than 8 when I came to the realization that people wanted something of me that I couldn't give–shouldn't have to give, really– but I didn't know that, so I gave. Everything that was asked of me and those that weren't.

I was a few years older than 12 when I told myself I was born to please people. So I observed and learned, with the determination in mind, to please people. I study people's moods and nuances to know what to expect and please.

I was a few years older than 17 when I experienced my power over people; the feeling was edgy, and I could hardly believe it. But the feeling didn't last long because with that experience came a bigger expectation to give and please, and so I did, with gladness in my heart. After all, it was what I was born for.

I was a few months away from 22 when I fell head over heels with people, it wasn't like what I've read or observed. It happened slowly and was consuming; it opened my eyes to another part of people, and I loved it. I was given something with nothing asked of me in return that I wasn't comfortable giving. It was new to me and so with everything I knew then about people, I poured it into people. I gave, I pleased, and I relinquished the power I thought I had over people.

I was a few months away from 25 when breath was sucked away from me by people when a hole was dug deep within me, and nothing I did could fill it up, so I covered it up with some layers of detachment from people.

I am a few months away from 29 when I realize I need people. I need to forgive people; I need to stop giving and pleasing people if they won't return the gesture with the same tenacity. Above all, I learned that I am also a person and deserve to forgive myself, give to myself, and please myself first before doing all these with people.

Get Adunni Adeh’s stories in your inbox

Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.

Remember me for faster sign in

But how do I treat myself as people when I’ve never really seen myself as people? Will I need to confide in people and ask something of people? Will people he…lp?

So, dear journal, you asked me how I could be kinder to myself, and this is my reply: by asking and receiving help from people, by letting go of the fear of people bringing people in, by trusting that people won’t hurt me.

But I can’t do that, dear journal; I can’t let go of the what if, for it is the tiny thread holding my sanity together. And so I will settle for the kindness that money can bring me. I can be kinder to myself with the gift of money, and I promise you I will be deliriously happy while at it.

I truly need money to be happy.
9:33 pm
February 9th, 20…

I took a walk amongst my journal today and I came across this. I’m sharing it because. Just because ❤️